Most likely you can, and do. Most likely you have, or you’ve had, a job in which you had to submit to a superior and/or to customers/clients. You’ve likely been submissive to police or to the IRS, and even to your children or your pet. However, when it comes to a spouse, many act like they’re too good to compromise, too good to take heed, too good to back down even when they know they’re wrong. Of course, he’s no authority over her, and she’s no authority over him, nor should either be.
To submit isn’t only about authority. Submission and subordination aren’t always synonymous. To submit to someone doesn’t automatically mean he or she is superior in rank, because it can actually be about yielding to the will, desires, intentions of a person. It can simply be the act of holding off your wants or needs, to allow for those of the other person. In a marriage, neither should be the authority, but rather each a partner. Each taking equal responsibility, equal opportunity, equal rights in the relationship. As with any partnership, including business partnerships, the wills of the people involved may align at times, but there are times when they may clash.
The ego is usually at play when someone attempts to pull rank in partnerships. It’s difficult for people, when they feel like getting what they want is being threatened, but a hallmark of a truly mature person is recognition it’s not all about you. Those who want a relationship to be all about them, probably shouldn’t get married. They aren’t partner material.
So, when there is disagreement in a marriage, what can be done if neither is willing to submit, or when one person is always doing the submitting? Should the partnership be dissolved, or shall one just concede to submit on a permanent and regular basis to keep the peace? In either of those situations, you no longer have a partnership. In the latter, what develops is a dictatorship in which one who used to be a partner, now takes the role of a subordinate. This is not balanced.
Two who become one shouldn’t have a relationship where one is superior to the other, but rather respectful enough of each other wherein there is fairness and compromise and all efforts to arrive at a solution that can be the most beneficial for the whole. If a person wants to get married to have someone be subordinate, then, again, they shouldn’t get married. That person should just get a dog. Part of marrying someone is understanding that teamwork makes the dream work.
If one basketball player hogs the ball, it’s safe to say that team isn’t a winning team, even if they win some games. The game should be played based on the strengths of the team members. Sometimes, a team mate has to acknowledge that another is better at something. He might really want to take a shot, but he knows he’s better at layups than 3-pointers, so he passes to the best 3-point shooter available. Sometimes, though, it’s just about giving that team partner a fair chance at the rim.
Sometimes, submission might be about seeing a greater need for the other person to have that chance, because perhaps it will help him/her fulfill something important to them, or it will help emotionally. It takes a big person to step back and allow that, rather than rather than acting solely on their own desires.
Another important aspect is leadership. Please understand that leader does not mean superior. It only means that one is leading. To lead, others have to be willing to follow, not be forced to, intimidated into, or manipulated to do it. That typically requires someone to see that you have specific skills to lead him/her with. Keep in mind that team leaders can, and do, change. It’s the same in a marriage. One may lead at one point in time, or for certain situations, and the other at another point.
Bottom line is that there are many things at play, many aspects, much to be considered in a marriage, especially when you want to have one that is successful. Success in a marriage isn’t about who’s on top, or how many years you’ve tolerated each other, or even just about how much you love each other. A successful marriage is one in which both people support and help one another, respect each other, plan together, uplift one another, tackle obstacles strategically, and each gets over his/her ego and submits to the other.
Healthy relationships are part of a healthy lifestyle!!!
Rebel Well